From: thangolossus@gmail.com

Death

Life

Hitler

Erectile dysfunction

Hemorrhoids

Used car salesmen

Your face

Spam (the e-mail)

Spam (the processed meat product)

Vomiting

Blind dates with ugly people

Getting old

Dying young

Victims of lead-based paint

Fake English accents

February

Global warming

Red wine hangovers

The passage of time

Broken condoms

Dead puppies

The working conditions of migrant laborers

The existence of other people

All the books you will never read before you die

Brutus

Models

The hydrogen bomb

Monday mornings

The orchestra that played as the Titanic went down

Rats

Family gatherings

Michael Jackson’s sexual proclivities

Avian flu

Your inner thighs

Mad Cow Disease

Nostril hair

High Rise Cat Syndrome—a surprisingly common disorder in which urban
cats, well, jump

The Third World

Driver’s license photos

Calculus

The subprime mortgage crisis

Punching through a cheap wall

Butt acne

The Mongol invasion

The IRS

The influenza epidemic of 1918

Wild dogs

Laundry

Unrequited

love

Unreciprocated oral sex

Bread lines

Vegemite

Lawyers

The airline industry

Gas station bathrooms

Trimethylaminuria—a persistent body odor that smells like rotten fish

The Thirty Years War

The Hundred Years War

Male pattern baldness

Imitation crabmeat

David Hasselhoff

The air quality in Beijing

Asparagus

Obesity

The impossibility of ever really knowing another person

The Spanish Inquisition

The Donner Party

Sweat

Bedbugs

Having to hear about other people’s babies

High heels

Alarm clocks

Exploding manhole covers

Memoirs by people who are boring

Memoirs by people who are more interesting than you

Strychnine

Student loans

Untreated sewage

The final episode of The Sopranos

Carbon monoxide poisoning

Your fortieth birthday

Grain alcohol

The Hilton sisters

TV dinners eaten alone

Bifocals

Credit card debt

The day after Christmas

Toxic mold

Jock itch

Idi Amin—a brutal Ugandan dictator

Birds that fly into windows and die

Identity theft

Polyester

Chlamydia

Your childhood

Rhinestone sunglasses

Double chins

Milli Vanilli

The need for health inspectors

Night blindness

Mange

Running into your ex on your way to the gym

Sex after sixty

Cannibalism

Your children criticizing your cooking

Prostate enlargement

Commercials about prostate enlargement

Existential nausea

Actual nausea

Nuclear war

Drilling in polar bear habitats

Oedipus

Nasal irrigation

Mosquito-borne diseases

Olestra

Computer crashes

The bubonic plague

Static cling

Blocks full of ugly office buildings

Suburban backyards that supply their owner’s sense of self-worth

Being unable to escape an inane conversation

Dropping your fork more than once

The verb “fetishize”

Men who pose for pictures with their cars

Rich people with a veneer of culture

Rich people without a veneer of culture

Logging

Standardized tests

Pus

Literary criticism

Lethal injection

Flushing the toilet, which can spray particles of fecal matter up to
twenty feet

Playboy bunnies

Rabid dogs

Salmonella

Scoliosis

Flossing

Alien abduction

Dandruff

Colonoscopies

Wine in a box

Unplanned pregnancies

Secondhand smoke

Yeast infections

Commercials about yeast infections

Dropping off dry cleaning

The global economy

Children who want to be cashiers when they grow up

Fake gardens in office buildings

Rodent feces

Computer viruses

The fall of Rome

Dramatic miniseries about the fall of Rome

Dentures

Running into old friends you would have preferred never to see again

Asbestos

Pesticides

Broccoli

NORAD

Disco

Boils

People who order expensive things when they know you’re paying

Tapeworms

Men with Napoleon complexes

Anorexia

Cellulite

Pigeons

West Nile Virus

Lice

Dust mites, which make up one-third of the weight of a six-year-old
pillow

Aerobics

Piranhas

Guar gum

Spontaneous human combustion

Shoulder pads

Acid rain

Tsetse flies

The Riddler

High school orchestra concerts

Styrofoam

Ugly bridesmaids’ dresses

Ugly bridesmaids

Electrocution

Fake silver rings that turn your fingers green

Alphabetical organization

Totalitarianism

Artificial grape flavoring

Roadkill

Minivans

Smallpox

Freud

Critics

Investment bankers

The nonexistence of mermaids

The abduction of Helen of Troy

High blood pressure

Tuna noodle casserole

Receiving fund-raising calls during dinner

European men in Speedos

Spiro Agnew

Conjunctivitis

The increasing rates of childhood allergies

Losing your virginity to the wrong person

Seabirds strangled by six-pack rings

Benedict Arnold

Velociraptors

The meatpacking industry

The meatpacking district

Ruddy-cheeked heroines in Victorian novels

Getting invited to your ex’s wedding

Library fines

The weak dollar

Shark attacks

Gorgeous weather in Florida when you’re not there

Other people kissing

Ashlee Simpson

The Godfather: Part III

Forgetting to change your underwear

Remembering to change your underwear, then realizing none of your
other underwear is clean

Hangnails

Scrapple

Back hair

In-laws

The extinction of the dodo bird

Crack

Vanilla Ice

Tropical resorts in desperately poor countries

Keeping up with the Joneses

The smell of subway stations

Pet psychics

The Great Depression

Gas prices

The assassination of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

People who refer to all Latinos as “Mexicans”

Checking your work e-mail from home

Credit card offers

Dentists

Hairy toes

High school Shakespeare productions

Genital warts

Being put on hold

Dogs wearing sweaters

Sausages in a can

The fact that you are no longer seventeen

Rabies

$800 ergonomic chairs and your inability to afford one

Hope

Cryogenics

The Crusades

Gentrification

Thai prisons

Poodles

Emo

The Energizer Bunny

Your best friend losing twenty pounds

Belly button lint

Not knowing how to change a tire

Scorpions

The fact that Scandinavia has a higher rate of English literacy than
the United States

Waiting in line

Necrophilia

Being awake at 4 A.M.

Appendicitis

Litigation

Speed bumps

People who actually pursue their childhood dreams

Getting poked in the eye with somebody’s umbrella

Store clerks that ignore you while they talk on the phone

Daylight saving time

Cold grease

People who put nonrecyclables in recycle bins

People who put recyclables in trash cans

Arthritis

The Jonestown cult suicides

Running out of toilet paper

School lunch

Pets that are accidentally left to die in hot cars

Pets that are left to die in hot cars on purpose

Insurance companies

Dental fluorosis

Jingoism

Studies that show that the average father spends less than thirty
minutes a week talking to his children

The Malthusian catastrophe—a predicted return to subsistence living
due to population growth outpacing agricultural production

People who blog about their personal lives

The stomach flu

Sixteen-year-olds with expensive cars

Having to swipe your own credit card at the grocery store

Pompeii

Children who misbehave in restaurants

Fender benders

Finding out that your lover is gay (when you’re not)

Finding out that your lover is straight (when you’re not)

Radiation

The death of Elvis

Vending machines that don’t work, but take your money anyway

Leg cramps

The Macarena

Bad pickup lines

Alligators in the sewer system

Inside jokes that you don’t understand

Futility

Hollywood endings

Coupons that expire before you remember to use them

Hair in the shower drain

The eight spiders, on average, that you eat each year in your sleep

Chlorofluorocarbons

Britney Spears’ kids

Your bank account balance

Noiseless choking

Small talk

image

Rotting elk carcasses

Laughter

Sunlight

People who hit their children on the subway

Original sin

The fact that the French get six weeks of paid vacation annually

The improbability of having sex with attractive strangers

Times Square at rush hour

Tourists who spend five minutes looking at each monument

Public housing in East Berlin in the 1970s

The distributions of the world’s resources

Twilight

Bad liars

Good liars

The use of lingerie to revitalize failing marriages

Birds that shit on you

The pillage of valuable antiquities by English gentlemen

Complaining

The heat death of the universe

The end of chivalry

Twelve-year-olds who pose as sex goddesses on the internet

People who refuse to admit they’re gay

The failure of the world to acknowledge your genius

Expectations of reciprocity

Self-pity

Mozart’s premature death at thirty-five

Nepotism that doesn’t benefit you

Autumn

Reading Beckett when you’re depressed

People who pretend to listen while they wait to speak

Children who still believe in Santa Claus

Self-indulgence

Self-restraint

Your grandparents’ recollections of youthful hopes and passions

Scalping

Militant vegetarians

The destruction of the library of Alexandria

The lengthening of shadows in the evening

Bestiality

The inevitable tyranny of social institutions

Clouds

Waiters with delusions of grandeur

Actors

The impossibility of saying just what you mean

Aporia

Playground taunts

Wagnerian sopranos

Your stomach

Unexamined lives

Closely examined lives

Retailers of copy machines

Having to work late

Kilts

Red-bearded men who like killing babies

The average American attention span

Judas

Lower back pain

Fire alarms when there’s no fire

Fire alarms when there is a fire

America

Watching Natalie Portman movies with your wife

Saggy breasts

Interminable Oscar broadcasts

MFA programs in creative writing

Claudius

Sylvia Plath and ovens

The death of Socrates

Evolutionary explanations of love

Slow postal workers

Beethoven’s deafness

Eye contact with mountain lions

Facing-page translations of Shakespeare into modern English

Marriage

Divorce

The obscurity of Alfred Russel Wallace, cofounder of the theory of
natural selection

Imperfect bladder control

Public beheadings

Fraternities

An ammonia-scented body odor, which is a sign of liver disease

People majoring in business

Deriving pleasure from the misfortunes of others

Transparent attempts at flattery

Impalement

False pleasantries

Colonialism in Africa

Mean people

Sprawling slums of corrugated tin shacks

The terror felt by children in the dark

Coitus interruptus

Myths in which parents unknowingly consume their children in stewed
form

Knowing allusions to James Joyce

Sibling rivalry

Blood-drenched dynastic succession struggles

Euphemisms

People who speak loudly in public places

Arranged marriages

The Second Coming

Industrial waste

The sinking of Venice

Pacifists

Determination

Tired waitresses

Counting calories

Richard Simmons

The Penguin

Airborne pathogens

Custody battles

King Lear

Manual labor

The British spelling of “colour”

Compassion

Temperatures at which your face hurts

Slurping noises

Nihilism

Death in the afternoon

Misquotations from the Greek

Being born

Rejection

The doctrine of predestination

Funding for the humanities

The battle of Wounded Knee

Freezing to death in the gutter

Carbohydrates

Siberia

Homes that lack indoor plumbing

Graves, worms and epitaphs

Anthropomorphism

Overly quaint pastry shops

The effects of ethanol on car engines

Custer’s last stand

Cotillions

Second marriages

Love

Liposuction

Sarcophagi

Puppet theater

Saying “vagina” in a nonmedical context

Verdi’s Requiem

The smell of feet in the summer

Landed gentry

Anchovies

Shotgun weddings

The clubbing of baby seals

Wives of sailors lost at sea

Mediocrity

Intestinal parasites

Scientologists who claim to be persecuted

The noses of former boxers

Cleaning products that cause cancer

The Cobra Kai

Theatrical political protests

Jargon

Cauliflower

Hemorrhagic strokes

Countries you’ve never visited and never will

Sharing toothbrushes

Daytime television

Bureaucracy

Bad credit

Property taxes

Propaganda that makes people go to war and die

Self-expression

Chapped lips

Megalomania

The Gaza Strip

Studies showing that office workers are interrupted every three
minutes, and take twenty-three minutes to get back on task

Open-mic night at the local comedy club

Love letters from people you don’t love anymore

Cyanide

Psychosis

The assassination of John Lennon

Getting struck by lightning

Migraines

Root canals

Hip replacements

Pedophilia

Not winning the lottery

The vastness of the sea

Commuting

“Television legs”—blood clots as a result of watching TV for too long

Dead flowers

The apocalypse

The Dow Jones Industrial Average

Cosmetics tested on rabbits

Midlife crises

Divas

Graduate students

The fact that you are reading this book

People who let their dogs lick their ice cream cones

Flogging

Hydrochloric acid

Dehydration

Hyperhydration

Sophomore slump

Multidrug-resistant tuberculosis

Expired airline miles

Coronary artery calcification

Vacuuming

Bear markets

Bear attacks

Bear Stearns

“Bennifer”—the brief and highly publicized union of Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez

Ethics

Raw beef

The writers’ strike

Alex Mitchell, an English bricklayer who suffered a fatal heart attack
from laughing too hard while watching The Goodies

Dating advice from your grandmother

Public urination

Botulism

Cholera

Hypertension

Taking out the trash

People who actually think that the glass is half full

Getting stood up

Getting stood up because your date is dead

Erosion

Fight-or-flight hormones

Getting honked at (by geese)

Getting honked at (by motorists)

Honorable mention

Cleaning the bathroom

Moldy sponges

Lack of closet space

Inflammation

The smell of nail polish remover

Rotten vegetables

Peeling paint

Unibrows

Unabombers

Magazine articles that tell you your flaws are beautiful

Christmas sweaters

The fact that a desk has four hundred times more bacteria than a
toilet

Highly effective people

January 24—National Compliment Day

Terror and pity

Toenails

The eruption of Mount St. Helens

Panty thieves

Arson

Mexican Jumping Death Spiders

Irritable bowel syndrome

Tension headaches

Your pants size

Polio

Dysthymia—a chronic depressive disorder

Leaving the lights on just to increase your roommate’s electricity
bill

Women who don’t realize they’re pregnant until their water breaks

Dogs with banal human names

The right to bear arms

Girls who think any guy who’s not interested in them must have a
disorder, probably Asperger’s Syndrome

Girls who think any guy who’s not interested in them must be gay

Huge warehouses of expired products that were never opened

Bus drivers who are a bit too happy to see the children after school

Waiters who ramble on about their lives

Broken dress straps

Teenagers discovering the wine cellar

Painfully vigorous hair brushing

Having a third job

Working at a restaurant that has one CD on continual loop

Unsentimental estimates of how many years people have left to live

Designer garbage cans

People too busy to have lunch because of back-to-back meetings with

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